Urbantravelista | Adulting: Getting through the things we never asked for

While perusing one of my favorite social media outlets, a friend of mine posted the following question: “Honestly, does anyone REALLY feel you’re truly succeeding at this adult business?”. It didn’t take long for me to respond with all of the nopes I could find. I’m just 6 days shy of my 44th birthday. And, after much reflection and introspection, I can truly say that I’m failing miserably at adulting. And nothing supports my claim better than the last several months. Life is funny. After experiencing the most devastating loss ever (losing my mom), I thought the Universe would maybe reward me with a break. I mean, that’s what happens in the movies? The person goes through this horrendous challenge then life is gravy again, right? They find the love of their life, win the lottery, quit their job and travel the world? Yeah, in the “movies”. But in real life, NO! To shed some perspective, the last several months have felt like a game of kickball, with me being the ball. For starters, my grandmother has suffered a myriad of health challenges over the last few months. In my mother’s absence, I am now the matriarch of the family. I’m the listening ear, the conflict and problem solver, and the “go to” person. I could say the politically correct thing, like “it’s an honor to have this role and I’m so open to the task”. But I’m far from politically correct. So I’ll be transparent because that’s all I know how to be. This is a role I wanted no parts of, at least not for another 20 years. I’m still a kid myself. My routine work days have been replaced with sudden runs to the emergency room. My social life has been replaced with taking care of my grandmother. I cancel plans at the last minute. In fact, these days I rarely commit to anything at all because I don’t know what health emergency is gonna come up. The structure I once had in my life is gone. Every day is unpredictable. I launched a travel and apparel business with lackluster response. I don’t blog or write as often because my passion is slipping away. My laptop died this week (yeah, it was almost 10 years old, but still). And due to my own fault, I lost a 13 year friendship this week. AND, on top of all of that, I’m still dealing with my own grief. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. So no, I don’t feel like I’m succeeding at this adult business. Enduring maybe. But succeeding? Absolutely NOT.

When my mom passed away, I was often provided with the following platitude: “God never puts more on you than you can bear”. I guess this is supposed to comfort people in their time of confusion, heartache, and pain. But it really doesn’t. I know people have the best intentions when they attempt to comfort you with such phrases. I totally get it. But maybe people simply “bear it” because jumping from a bridge isn’t an option for them…yet? Who really wants to bear hardships, failure, and loss? Thanks God, but I don’t want to bear it. I want no parts of it. If I can’t bear prosperity, love, or even just one week when all hell doesn’t break loose, take it back or give to someone else. Now to clarify, this isn’t a “woe is me” or look at how terrible my life is piece. Because in spite of my challenges, I don’t view my life as being terrible. It has it’s rare high moments. Tough breaks come with the territory of living and life could always be worse. I know this. The intent of this piece is to let those of you that feel like you’re failing at adulting know that you are not alone and that there are solutions to help you through the storm.

So how do I stay grounded in the midst of chaos? I’m glad you asked:

Live in the moment

Next week is my birthday and have some down time planned. The one thing about loss and challenges is that it makes you recognize what is truly important. My birthday plans have gone from planning an international trip to a spa day to now, a week of being home doing absolutely nothing. Life has been so chaotic for me lately, that all I want is a couple of days of uninterrupted quiet time. But with my grandmother’s unpredictable health status, I know that my birthday may be spent with trips to the emergency room and hospital. And if it happens, oh well. I will deal with it if it comes. I focus on the day and whatever task I have on my plate at the moment. Focusing on next week won’t hinder the bad that may come.

Practice gratitude

At the beginning of the year, I began keeping a “gratitude jar”. Being that I was going into the new year without my mom, I thought this would be a challenge. But so far, I’ve been wrong. I bought a mason jar and fill it with at least one post it note of something good that happened or something I’m grateful for. At the end of the year, I will read each note and hopefully find that maybe I’m succeeding at adulting better than I thought I was. We’re only half way through the year, and my jar is 3/4 full!

Self-care

This is paramount. If you don’t take care of yourself, you are totally useless to someone else. In order to accommodate everyone else, I found myself putting off much needed health screening and wellness appointments. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped eating clean. I stopped doing the things that I enjoy. I gained 10 pounds. I started slacking on my financial responsibilities and goals. None of this is helpful to me or the people in my life that need me. How can I help my grandmother if I’m in a hospital bed too? So, I’ve learned to try to carve out at least a few hours during the week to do something strictly for me. I treat myself to massage or a movie. I take myself out to dinner. I try to get in the gym at least one day a week. I take off from work when I have the time to do so and tell no one that I’m off. And I do all of this UNAPOLOGETICALLY. Because when those that we cared for are eventually gone, who will be here to take care of us? That harsh reality reinforced the need to stay in the best physical and mental state for as long as I can.

Release what you can’t control

As I mentioned earlier, I lost a 13 year friendship this week. Although it was primarily my fault, I truly valued the person and the friendship. Without going into too much detail, I attempted make amends and owned my role in its demise. I really tried to make it right. But this person chose to write me out of their life, at least for now. I beat myself over this all week. But then I realized, I can only control my actions. I can’t force people to stay connected with me. Leaving is as much as their right as it is mine. I owned up to my mistake and tried to make it right. That’s all I can do. Release it and let it go. Because if it’s the Universe/God’s will for the friendship to be restored again, it will be.

Journal

I’ve been journaling ever since I was in highs school. I use my journal to jot down my thoughts, feelings, ideas, and aspirations. It’s a great tool to write out your vision, goals, and affirmations. Journaling helps me vent and also helps my stay connected to my goals. It’s easy to lose sight of your dreams when you don’t write them down.

Therapy

Sometimes, in spite of our best efforts even our best isn’t good enough. If you’re barely holding life together with a safety pin, it might be time to talk to professional. I sought counseling a few years ago when I through my divorce and just after my mom passed away. After that, I thought I could handle all of the challenges coming my way alone. I’ve always prided myself on handling everything on my own. I wore it like a badge of honor. But this time around, it was crushing me. Life was literally crushing my soul. If you look forward to sleep because you’d rather not endure your waking hours or you find yourself and passion for life slipping away, reach out for help. There is no shame in self care and ensuring your mind is well. Your mind is just as important, if not more than your body. Again, what good am I to those that need me if I’m in a mental institution or worst, an early grave because I couldn’t hold on anymore.

In conclusion, I hope this helps someone. I may not have the family I always dreamed of, the house with the white picket fence, or a million dollars in the bank. I may very well be failing at adulting. But I will always summa cum laude the hell out trying and overcoming.

@urbantravelista

Urbantravelista | Five money saving ideas to fund your travel in 2017

Let’s be real, it cost money to travel. I don’t care how savvy a person claims to be, you need money to travel. Everyone has mastered their own budget travel hacks. Some people rack up hotel points. Some people rack up frequent flier miles. And others subscribe to alerts or use apps to snag ridiculously low flight deals or error fares at a moment’s notice. Regardless of the scenario, you need money to book those flights and hotels to accumulate the needed points throughout the year. You need to have funds available to catch that low travel deal or error fare. It doesn’t matter if it’s a $100 round trip flight to the Maldives. If you don’t have the funds readily available, your dream trip will remain just that, a dream.

I think the beginning of the year is a great time to implement a strategy to start saving for travel, especially if you’re looking to travel over the summer or for the holidays. If you start in January and want a plan a getaway in June, you will have 6 months to prepare. If you want to take a family Disney vacation for the holidays, saving until June will at least give you hefty a down payment. Here a 5 ideas you might what to consider:

1. Digit

Digit is a savings app that saves money based on your spending habits. How does it work? First, the user connects the app to their checking account. Digit will then analyze the user’s income and spending and transfer small amounts of money to set aside. They use 128-bit bank-level security, and do not store bank login information. Every 2 or 3 days, Digit transfer money (usually $5-50) from your checking account to your Digit savings. According to their user agreement, they will never transfer more than you can afford, eliminating the risk of over-drafting your account. They also have a no-overdraft guarantee. You can access your money at anytime by simply sending a text message. Digit will transfer your funds back to your checking account the next business day. They all unlimited transfers, with no minimums or fees.

My experience: I started using Digit over the summer and can attest that it works. I’m terrible when it comes to saving. Money management has always been a challenge for me. Digit works for me because it withdraws the money in small amounts and operates on the “out of sight, out of mind” concept. You’ll be amazed by the amount of money you will be able to save in such a short amount of time.

2. 52-Week Money Challenge

The 52-Week Money Challenge surfaced on Facebook a couple of year ago. There are many variations of the challenge allowing you to save as much as $5,000 in one calendar year. The challenge involves putting away small amounts of money, based on a weekly schedule. Depending on your discipline, you can put your money in a jar or canister or transfer it to the savings account of your choice.

My experience: It works in the beginning, unless you’re REALLY disciplined. Unfortunately, I’m not that chick. If you’re able to stick with it, I think it’s a great way to visually see your progress. But by February, I usually end up dipping into my money jar for food delivery or gas to hold me over until payday LOL.

3. 5-Dollar Money Challenge

The 5-Dollar Savings Challenge is similar to the 52-Week Money Challenge. Instead of following an established schedule, the strategy is to put away every 5 dollar bill you acquire throughout the year. Again, depending on your discipline, you can put it away a jar to be designated for your travel fund. But what if you use your debit card and don’t utilize cash? You can opt to receive a 5 dollar cash back when you make a purchase and put it away.

My experience: I haven’t tried it yet. And since I struggle with the 52-Week Challenge, this one may not be for me. But if you’re discipline enough, you can visually see your progress and over time, accumulate and nice egg.

4. Credit Union

This is an oldie, but nonetheless still an effective savings strategy. Take advantage of the credit union offered by your employer or the military (depending on your status). You can create a “vacation club” account. Contribute as little as $25 per pay period through pre-tax payroll deduction or manually transfer it to your account.

My experience: It works for me. By utilizing the payroll deduction amount, I find I don’t miss the money. Again, out of sight out of mind!

5. High Interest Yielding Online Savings

In lieu of a traditional savings account plans offered by your local bank, online banks offer high yielding savings options. With a higher interest rate on your return, you’re able to save more. Most high yielding online savings account plans are just that: online. Limited access allows you to stay disciplined. Without ATM access, you’re more likely to stay on track and use your account for it’s intended purpose. You can link it to your primary account and schedule monthly deposits based on your payroll calendar or make manual deposits. And, there is usually no minimum deposit: Here are a few recommended by Magnify Money: Goldman Sachs (1.05%), Ally (1.00%), Synchrony Bank (1.05%), and Barclays (1.00%).

My experience: This strategy works. I opened a Goldman Sachs account about a year ago and found it to be an effective way to save additional cash. This account is perfect for people like myself that lack discipline, because limited access deters you from dipping into funds.

I hope these tips are helpful. Depending on your level discipline, some will prove to be more effective than others. Whatever strategy to use, I wish you much success and abundant travel and adventure in 2017!!

@urbantravelista

Random truthism: It’s okay not to be okay

It took pretty much most of life to drop my mask and be myself. You know, the mask many of us put on before stepping out into the world each morning. For years, I worked to stay on the path to perfection. And, if it didn’t appear perfect, I would just fake it until it became perfect. Never show emotions, people will use them against you. Always portray yourself as having it together, even when your life is really falling apart. Don’t ask for help or ever need anyone, people have ulterior motives and will think you’re weak. It wasn’t until a several years ago, that a major life challenge forced me to drop those facades. It’s exhausting pretending you’re okay and life is grand, when it’s not. We live in a society where only the beautiful and positive is accepted and everything outside of that superficial bubble is rejected and discarded. But the reality is this: I’m not perfect. NO ONE is perfect. I can’t parallel park. I’m socially awkward. I suck at math. I can’t dance on beat. I burn rice every time I cook it. And I seldom read articles on Facebook before commenting on them. Hey, it is what it is…this is me. But, over the years, I’ve learned to accept most of my shortcomings and I’m perfectly okay with them. I know, shocking right?

Since my mom’s unexpected death, I can notice the self-acceptance I’ve worked so hard to attain slowly becoming undone. I’ve always taken pride in being myself around people. This is me, this is how I feel…take it or leave it. But now, I just want to retreat and suppress everything. I try to avoid talking about my mom’s death or experience, because I don’t want to seem negative to other people. I try to pull back on expressing my disgust for this year, because I don’t want to appear ungrateful for the few good things that did happen for me this year. But it’s really not working. The reality is, I’m angry at the world. I’m jealous of people that had an amazing year. Damn it why not me?? I’m a good person. I envy those that will have their moms for the remainder of the holidays. Why my mom? I’m pissed that my Dad is spending their 43^rd wedding anniversary week picking up her ashes from a funeral home. Who knew God could be so cruel? I’ve tried to do all of the new age Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer positive affirmation talk, but it’s failing me miserably. Sorry but, “yeah, even though I watched my mom slowly suffocate to death on her own fluids for two weeks and watched her entire body swell up 3 times its normal size, I did take a pretty dope trip to Iceland in April #grateful #byehaters #blessingsonblessings” just doesn’t resonate with me. I mean, it sounds all warm and fuzzy, but the truth is, my 2016 sucked. It is what it is. And, I will not put on fake façade and pretend to have the resilience of Superman to make you comfortable. If my authenticity disrupts your happy, then keep it moving. No love lost. I totally understand. Just like Marilyn Monroe, if you can’t accept me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best. BTW, I really hate that quote, it’s so corny. I mean, did she even really say it?

Anyway, the take away is this: it’s really okay not to be okay. If someone ask how you’re doing and you say “life sucks, but I’m dealing with it” and they don’t like it, then they shouldn’t have asked. You might lose a few people, and if you do that’s okay…they weren’t for you to begin with. When people really care about you and your well-being, they help you through the bad (especially, if you’re helping yourself), they don’t just show up when all is well within your world. In the interest of clarification, this doesn’t mean you have to treat random strangers and casual acquaintances as if they’re your personal therapist and pour out your heart. And, this doesn’t mean that you should keep yourself in a negative space. It is possible to motivate yourself while remaining true to your real feelings. It’s detrimental to your healing and recovery. Pretending to be okay when you’re not and trying to please everyone else’s comfort level will eventually give you a mental breakdown. Some of the biggest pretenders who seem like they have it all together are just one Instagram click and post from seeing the inside of a room with white padded walls. As much as we don’t want to accept it, we’re human. We hurt. We cry. We get disappointed. We get jealous. We fail. We lose. And through it all, with work, dedication, the love and support of those close to us, we eventually get over it and get up again. Anyone who believes otherwise either just won the lottery or is medicated on heavy does of benzodiazepines. Life is composed of duality and we can’t embrace the light without acknowledging and respecting the dark.

I promise to get back to travel blogging. Until then, here’s a really dope selfie of me in front of Gullfoss Waterfall. #socute

My take on grief: I didn’t ask for this, who do I return it to?

It’s been just shy of a month since my mom’s passing. And I’m doing…well okay…at least I’d like to think so. I do what everyone else does. I go to work (often late, but I still go). I sleep and eat. And, I’ve even been able to make it to the gym a couple of times, catch a movie (BTW, Moonlight was pure awesomeness), and have a couple of dinner outings. I mean, life goes on right? That’s what happens in the movies? How I wish it were that easy.

When I first announced my mom’s transition (yes, on Facebook…because that’s the most comprehensive way to communicate both good and bad news), a friend of mine responded with following words of comfort: “you’ve just given birth to grief”. I wasn’t sure how to process that statement. I mean, I’ve experienced “loss” before. You can’t live 43 years in this life without losing something. Over the years, I’ve lost distant loved ones. I’ve lost a couple of pets before. And like most people in my age group, I’ve even lost a job, marriage, and home before. But none of those losses ever compared to this. Pets have a short life expectancy. I knew my parakeet and goldfish wouldn’t be with me throughout my golden years. My distant loved ones? They were elderly and it was the appropriate time for their departure. The job, marriage, and home? Like most people, I can recoup those losses again. Money comes and goes; it’s the circle of life. I can always get remarried again. I mean Liz Taylor was married 9 times. But I will never have my mother again. I will never talk to her again. I will never get to listen to her vent or share celebrity gossip with me again. I will never get to take that mother/daughter trip with her that I had been planning. So many nevers…it’s all final. She’s gone.

As my friend referenced on the most horrible day of my life, birth is defined as “the emergence of new individual from the body of its parent”. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I can certainly attest that grief has changed me. I’m not the same person I was before November 10th, 2016. You see, the old me was kind of happy go lucky…in a dark comedic kind of way (if that makes sense). I always saw the positive in everything. I always encouraged other people. My bounce back game was strong. And I had a resilience that defied statistics. But the new me? My daily positive talk and words of affirmation have been replaced with talk about my loss. I bring up my mother every chance I get. I mean, just look at me writing another blog about it right now?

One thing I’ve come to learn about grief is that in addition to transforming you, it also reveals things about other people. During this birthing process, I’ve learned that people will use your grief as an opportunity to gain something from you. There will be opportunists. That ex you haven’t seen in over 10 years will catch wind of your loss and will invite to fly you in because they want to “help” and be your source of “comfort”. I’ve learned that my faith will be tested. I now have a love/hate relationship with God. I love Him because I’m supposed to love Him, but hate Him for taking away my Mom. I find no resolve in cliches like, “God knows best…she’s in a better place…and God will bring you through it.” Why couldn’t He just save her? I’ve learned that even the most well-intention people will try to interfere and take over the home going services you’ve planned for your loved one to appease “their” wishes instead of those of the departed. I’ve learned that people want you to grieve, but not too much and for not too long. People will ask you how you’re doing, but sometimes, they really don’t want to know the truth. They want responses like, “I’m doing okay, I’m hanging in there” because your truth and painful reality is a damper on the parade that’s going on in their own life. Keep those negative vibes over there to yourself. Grieve, but remember…no one likes a Negative Nelly or Debbie Downer. No one wants to be that person. Things happen in life and you should eventually suck it up and get over it. I’ve learned that people will knowingly and unknowingly minimize your loss. You lost a parent? So what, their car got repossessed last winter. You lost your active parent at 61? So what, they lost their 99 year old great-grandmother when she passed peacefully in her sleep. Life isn’t fair, so deal with it. But on the flip side, I’ve also learned that people will show up and show out in ways you could never imagine during this unpredictable birthing process. And sometimes, it will be the people you least expect. The person you least expect will send you a card, offer you words of encouragement, and accept your grief and how you choose to cope no matter how uncomfortable or inconvenient it may present to them, usually because they’ve been where you are. This is a club that no one ever wants to join. But if you live long enough, you will inevitably gain membership. The tables will turn and you will birth a grief baby of your own. I’ve learned that people that understand this won’t be so bothered by your process, because they understand they will too experience it someday.

But in spite of the above, the most important thing I’ve learned is this: grief is a very convoluted and unique process. Just like childbirth, no two experiences are the same. It’s your process and journey. Each day will be different. Some days, you will be the ocean easily riding the waves. And other days, you will drown in it. There is no way to get around grief. You can’t go over it, underneath it, or around it. You have to go/GROW through it. There is no easy button or pill to make it go away. It’s your experience and your timetable. It’s your TRUTH. And, the people around you can simply take it or leave it.

As I complete this very painful birthing process, I hope to be able to “positive think” my way back to my former self. I hope to get back to posting about positive, warm and fuzzy stuff on my social media networks. I hope to get back to blogging about all tings concerning traveling, because grieving is for the birds and I’d rather be blogging about my hike to Patagonia. I hope to be able to think of my mom and my first Christmas without her without bursting into tears. I hope to be able to live my truth and deal with my grief authentically without making others feel uncomfortable about it. I hope to get to a point to where grief is something that just kind of lives here, but doesn’t consume me…it just has a few things over here and visits every me once and awhile, like that old boyfriend that will always have your heart.

@urbantravelista

Embracing sisterhood: Travel squad inspiration

I promote solo travel often in my blog, because it’s a fairly new experience for me. But I must admit one truth: I MISS MY GIRLFRIEND GETAWAYS. I miss the late night girl locker room talks, being silly, catching up on life, seeking advice, and being surrounded by those that “get” me and still love me in spite of my shortcomings. Overall, I guess once could say that I miss my sister friend connections. Through the years, I’ve lost many of those connections. Some were by choice and others were due to life taking us in different directions. And there’s no love lost. We get married, we have children, we pursue advanced degrees, we start business ventures, we get promoted into demanding positions, we have aging parents that require our attention, and we even relocate. I get it, life happens. In the midst of balancing life’s demands, friendships sometimes fall the wayside. But, as truthful as this all sounds, it would be dishonest of me to blame all of my lost connections on life changes. The truth is, while I excel in attracting connections, I suck at maintaining them. I don’t know if I should blame it on my introverted personality or my Gemini cusp Cancer moon sign. I don’t know if I should blame it on my desire to retreat and cut myself off from the world when I’m going through life’s storms. And I don’t know if it’s my pride in being self-sufficient and feeling like I don’t need anyone. But whatever the reason, none of those should ever be an excuse. Friendship/sisterhood is a reciprocal relationship. Just like a marriage or any other relationship of significance, it requires effort by both parties. It requires communication and reaching out. It requires giving and sacrificing. It requires you calling to check in when you don’t feel like it. It requires you to show up to baby showers and children’s parties when you’d rather do a child-free event, because motherhood is a touchy subject for you. It requires you to be vulnerable and let your friends know that you’re going through something and you need help (or you’re still okay). To maintain a friendship, you have to be a friend – a very basic exchange, one that I struggle with getting right.

I hope to have those kind of connections again someday. But until then, in honor of my nostalgia, I bring you my top Instagram Travel Squad photos that will make you want to phone your sister friends, organize your travel squad (or rent one), and get into travel formation. Here’s to not taking our friendships for granted…here’s to restoring our sister friend connections…and here’s to making new connections. And remember, friendships must be nurtured or they will eventually die.